Hiatus.

 

I stare at the blank walls around me,
Vast, empty, looming.
They mock and tempt me,
Do something, they say, Do anything.
Don’t just stand there, anticipating!

I can’t stand listening to them,
wondering if I’m wrong.
I’ve waited for you to answer,
I’ve waited for much too long.

You’re a fool for trusting him, they say,
You’re a fool for believing.
Why don’t you get up and seize the day?
Why don’t you live your own life?
I know they’re wrong, but what if they’re right?

Where will the next road lead me?
What is the next lesson I’m to learn?
Why won’t you answer me?
Don’t you see me here all alone?

It all seems pointless,
This hiatus I’m in.
As if my life means nothing.
I feel like giving up,
I feel like giving in.

I’m so angry with you,
And yet I see you in these blank walls…
Your face regards my disdain and you reveal nothing.
You don’t smile, you don’t wink.

You simply gaze upon me, appraising me with gentle eyes,
I can’t hold your gaze, knowing you hear my every thought.
I hurriedly glance up again, but all I see are tears.
Yours and mine.
They slip down our faces in silence.

Your eyes say everything,
Your mouth never moves.
I know, my child, how long you’ve waited.
I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do.

But through everything that’s happened,
through every tear you’ve cried,
Your eyes become hopeful, endearing.
I’ve never left your side,
I’ve been right here every time you’ve tried.

Then why is this happening?
Why do I still fall?
Why have you just stood there and done nothing?
Why does it feel like it’s all a big stall?

Your questions will be answered one day,
I can promise you that.
I lower my eyes, feeling again all that I lack.
“Stay with me.” I plead.
You smile, I will stay as long as you need.

I began to feel peace permeating the walls,
Sifting up from the ground beneath me,
The walls bow and tremble ,
And suddenly I could see…

The cage I’ve lived in,
With walls that mock and leer,
It no longer obstructs my view.
The surfaces had become lucidly clear,
And I find my eyes resting upon you.

I feel your arms around me,
Cradling my broken spirit in your hands.
I peer weakly into the unknown
as you help me to stand.

“My child, my child,” you finally speak,
“I know you think you’re ready for this,
but I know you better than that.
I want you to be free from this,
I want you to never go back.”

My eyes become wider as I see the outside world,
An invisible barrier is all that keeps me protected.
“This is the only way for you understand.
It’s not my will that you should feel rejected.”

Beyond the walls I see hurt and pain,
I also look upon triumph and gain.
“This is what’s next for you,
But first you must wait.
You must first learn how to open the gate.”

“Gate?
What gate do you mean?
I’ve known these walls for so long,
And this gate I have never seen.”

You usher me towards the gate,
“It’s been there all along,
Though I’ve just chosen to reveal it to you.
Use what I’ve given you, it won’t be long,
Soon you will have the future you are due.”

“Why couldn’t I leave before?
What was holding me back?
What was the purpose of this delay?”
I question you ruthlessly, my spirit suddenly slack.

You peer back with a loving look
in spite of my tortured glare,
“Oftentimes we are worried where we will travel next
when it’s right here that should hold our care.
What did you learn here, while waiting for an answer?”

I felt a surge of revelation course through my veins,
Our eyes met again, and I knew you knew.
I felt faith rise in my demeanor and confidence take hold of my reigns.
Your all-knowing expression held the final clue.

Instead of explaining to ease my mind,
You nod towards me, asking for my conclusion.
“Oh God, I’ve been so blind! How could I not see?
In all that has happened here,
Learning to trust you is what you were teaching me.”

You nod once more, an approving smile taking hold of your lips,
“Indeed,” you say slowly, “Indeed, it was.”
Then the gate was absolved and I faced the other side,
My nerves coming alive in an electrical buzz.

“Aren’t you coming?” I say as I turn to leave.
You stand placidly, your hands behind your back,
“I am with you always. But not always like this.”
I nod my understanding, courage filling my soul,
Bit by bit the cage fades to black.

Gazing ahead to the world before me,
a wonderful and terrible sight,
I think of the journey I had while waiting,
and recall your tender plight.

I take the first step into this unexplored terrain,
Feeling the invisible strength of a hand I already knew.
I glance over to see that I’m alone,
But in my head I hear your voice,
“Take heart, my child… I love you.”

This Isn’t Goodbye.

The thunderous whistle bellows, Splintering disregard into piercing awareness.
Bitter wind licks at my brow, Washing strands of hair across my face in quiet ripples.
You turn to me and smile.
Not of happiness or contentment. Not of a teasing manner.
A melancholy smile. A smile of remembrance.
Your smile fades slowly as you grasp my hands between yours.
Your eyes say it all. You don’t have to say it.
You glance down at our clenched hands and whisper softly,
“This isn’t goodbye. This isn’t goodbye.”

Distractions bustle about us. In the steam, the cars, the people.
The quickened rhythm of haste matches the pounding of our hearts.
And yet, Only you are before me. Your presence an extension of mine.
Your eyes are liquid with dithering resolve.
Returning your gaze sends pangs of yearning to my very core.
Your eyes say it all. You don’t have to say it.
The train utters a final, foreboding wail, Tearing asunder our being.
Your embrace lingers long after you relinquish apprehension, vanishing into haze.
“This isn’t goodbye. This isn’t goodbye.”

Today, I Missed You.

Today, I missed you when I blurted out an inside joke,
I had forgotten I shared it with only you.
Blank stares and nervous laughs answered me,
It brought me back to reality, left me feeling blue.

Today, I missed your teasing smile,
And the way your eyes would sparkle with delight.
Or when you found out corny jokes were my weakness,
And how we would laugh until we cried.

Today, I missed your reassuring hugs,
Like nothing would ever harm me.
So strong and gentle at the same time,
And how you were always beside me.

Today, I missed your familiar smell,
When a man walked past me in the grocery store.
He left in his wake a scent so much like yours,
I contemplated following him some more.

Today, I missed your free spirit,
When I ran past a pile of leaves on my afternoon jog.
I remembered the time we raked for hours,
Only to take a trip to the emergency room after you tripped over a log.

Today, I missed your chivalry,
Seeing an old man with a cane hold open a door.
His wife, as old as he, smiled wistfully in return,
In that moment I felt the exact way my heart tore.

Today, I missed you when I felt terribly sick.
I remembered how you would sit on the side of the tub,
How you held my hair back gently as I puked.
I recalled an odd sensation of true love.

Today, I missed you when I was doing laundry,
I checked some pockets and found a note.
It was in your hand, wrinkled and faded,
I smiled as I read another corny joke.

Today, I missed your golden-flecked eyes,
I found them staring back from a photograph.
Then I looked up and found them on our son’s face,
He grinned a toothless grin, I heard your laugh.

Today, I missed your hoarding tendencies,
I sold what clothes I couldn’t give to family in a yard sale.
I finally threw away those ugly, moth-bitten sweatpants,
Later I retrieved them, soaked from a half empty can of ginger ale.

Today, I missed your ring on my finger,
I took it off the left and put it on the right.
I met a nice man at the coffee shop,
It may not go anywhere, but then again, it might.

Today, I missed your voice,
Our son whispered, “I love you” to me at the reception.
Remember that guy at the coffee shop?
We tied the knot and now we’re talking about contraception.

Today, I missed you when I brought the baby home,
I guess you knew those contraceptives wouldn’t last.
I didn’t have the heart to paint over the color we picked out for the nursery,
My husband said he liked that his daughter could grow up in the past.

Today, I missed you when our son got his college degree.
He smiled your smile, a smile of pride.
I hugged him tight and I felt you hugging back,
I told him how proud you’d have been and we both cried.

Today, I missed you as I knelt by a hospital bed,
I quoted to my mother a poem you wrote.
She found out she was dying just a year ago,
At her funeral our son wore your coat.

Today, I missed you more than once,
I missed you all day long.
I wasn’t sad or lonely, but joyful and excited,
To our first grandchild I sang your silly song.

Today, I missed you as I recited vows to my husband of forty years,
“Til death do us part.” he recited back.
He said he loved me and to say ‘hello’ to you for him,
I smiled as my vision slowly faded to black.

Today, I didn’t miss you as I entered through pearly gates,
I stood in awe of the colors, of the view.
I took the hand of my Savior and asked why I didn’t miss you anymore,
He smiled and motioned to a figure standing a ways off…
It was you.

One.

One.

I often recall my days of learning
Only one thing was on my mind.
I’d somehow ignored it,
How His insight I had undermined.

It all started with a thought.
A thought that seemed harmless, unassuming.
Nothing was the matter here,
Until the thought kept on looming.

Is it true that in the sight of God
I could ever get over you?
That I would go on with my life
That you would leave from my view?

I never thought it possible,
It was Him I would second guess.
I had you in my sights,
I would never digress.

And then the day came for you to leave.
But not physically, you see.
The day came when I would move on,
Thoughts of you would no longer proceed.

Looking back at the beginning,
At my impressions on the matter,
It seemed I would go insane.
It seemed my life would shatter.

But my life continued living,
My heart hadn’t stopped beating.
My eyes only filled with tears,
Peace overflowed my being.

He was there when I was stubborn,
Lacking any sense of right or wrong.
He sat and waited for the day
That I would realize it was to Him I belonged.

So I stepped back into the promise,
His promise of life and love.
From here on out, I promised,
No one would ever be above.

When I was feeling lonely,
He was singing me to sleep.
When I was found discouraged,
It was His love that lifted me.

The days came and went,
His presence never left me
And deep within my heart,
I could feel His presence direct me.

My promise hadn’t been broken,
And never had I thought of changing.
Until the day I spoke to you
Only it was His reflection I was engaging.

I felt that old familiar twinge,
Of feelings that I’d tried hard to ignore.
Could it be that I had found yet another
that above Him I might explore?

I searched frantically within myself,
I wouldn’t ignore His guidance again.
But He reassured me silently,
You were of no threat to me and Him.

With you I can feel Him,
And with Him I can consider that you,
Never having known of my thoughts,
Had a special direction from Him too.

What once was separate,
Is now overcome.
Never has a promise been broken
Between the three who became one.