I can’t sleep. All I could do was lay awake and think. So now I’m laying on my stomach, typing in the dark, hoping to make since of the last 30 minutes I’ve spent pondering over my current situation(s).
I’m just going to throw this out on the table: I feel excluded. Not from anyone’s doing or from my own doing.
But upon mulling the meaning of the word ‘excluded‘ over in my head, I’ve come to the realization that it’s God who’s excluding me. I wasn’t sure why at first. Or even if it really was God who was letting it happen. But since there are no coincidences and I know neither I or anyone I know would purposefully excluded me…it has to be a God thing.
Then I started thinking about Joseph. I’m about to finish his excerpt of a life in the bible and have been rehashing the subject of dreaming from the last time I read through his story. I spoke in my first post on here about legacies and after hearing a quote that said, “In the end, all you really own is your story.” I have to conclude that Joseph had one heck of a story. The funny thing is that soon after his “story” crossed my mind I realized… He was excluded for most of his life.
As with most seasons in my life, it never happens suddenly, it creeps up and then when I finally realize what’s going on.. BAM! New season. And this season shall be entitled: Exclusion.
I feel God has called me into exclusion right now. It’s not something I’m completely at peace with yet, but as I’m figuring it out, I’m realizing that it’s been happening for a while now…and I’m accepting it slowly.
Details: (Feel free to skip if you prefer the general side of blogs)
I just had a visit from a really good friend. She is the only person I’ve ever given the title of BFF and really meant it. We don’t have that title anymore, for various reasons, although we are still good friends. I was thinking just now about how since moving to TN I haven’t found anyone else that I can truly give the title of BFF in my life. I know it sounds stupid to say it like that, but the truth is, I’m not close to much of anyone lately, outside of my family I live with. I have plenty of friends, but none that I have a really deep relationship with. And I’m not okay with that.
I feel an exclusion from my youth group too. This is the most hurtful one. I was angry at first, I had a few people in my mind I was capable of blaming…however, once I checked my spirit, I realized that it was no one’s fault. I don’t know how to explain it, I just feel like I’m not needed anymore by the people around me.
My age group is odd because I’m no longer a teenager and not quite considered an adult…and somehow in the weird middle area… I’m living my life.
What it all boils down to is that in every aspect of myself in relationship to other people, I am excluded.
Here’s my conclusion: God is drawing me out of the comfort zone of having friends.
If I have people I can go to when I’m in a public area, or people I can rely on to be there in awkward situations, or even people I can confide in…I will get comfortable with just having those friends and never want to branch out.
Ergo, God wants me to branch out to other people. To people that aren’t in my comfort zone. And how should he do that? By removing that comfort zone.
It’s painful and it’s trying, but Joseph sure got through it. And look what happened to him! He became the ruler of the lands, directly under Pharaoh himself. And eventually, the comfort of his family came back. Eventually he was reunited to his deep relationships to other people.
I can rest in the hope that once this season of exclusion is over, I can return to the arms of a few kindred spirits…but right now it looks like I’m being pulled from a pit and sold into slavery.
Who knows though, all of this is just the conclusion of a restless brain. A flesh-ridden brain at that. I guess we’ll see how this dreaming turns out. 😉
Thanks for reading.