Talents

There’s this phrase I like to use to describe myself. It’s well known by many, but also misunderstood I believe:

“Jack of all trades, master of none.”

On the surface, this phrase seems a little poignant. You’re saying to the world: “I’m not really that great at any thing.” and that thought used to make me shy away from it. I was afraid that people would think I was looking down on myself, that I lacked confidence in what I talents I have.

When you start to dig deeper into the meaning though, something beautiful happens.

You see, I used to be jealous of the people out there who were great at something. They had this one thing that drove them further, this one passion, this one desire that kept them on track. They knew what they wanted out of life and they pushed toward that everyday.

And then there was me.

I’ve felt the call of music ministry from the age of 16, “This is it!” I said to myself. But I believe God had something different in mind.
At 19, in response to my love for art, I enrolled in art college for photography.
I kept my options open, I continued to learn what I could in the realm of music (A story for another day), and I continued to pursue the arts. I painted, I taught myself some graphic design and videography, I got involved in performing arts and discovered a love for musical theater, and I started writing. I loved it all. But where was my one passion?

I believe one of the hardest parts of life is choosing what to go after.

In fact, if there is one thing I’m great at, It’s probably self-awareness. The ability to not be able to lie to myself. To be able to see the harsh reality at all times without rose colored lenses. It’s more like a curse, really. 🙂

I look at every single one of those things I love and can truthfully say that I am not great at any of them.
Why? I would ask God over and over. Life would be so much easier if I just knew what I needed to pursue!

I slowly realized that maybe I wasn’t called to be great at any one thing. God began to challenge me… What was so wrong with that?
Did he promise me that ‘my calling’ would be one thing? Why should my calling happen like everyone else’s? Why shouldn’t I have many talents?

I’ve been so caught up in finding my calling, my special talent, seeking my passion, that I missed the point.

— — —

Today, I was thinking about the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30.

A master leaves money (talents) with three servants. Each servant knows their master is a certain kind of man. He values profit. Yet, clearly he values his servants enough to entrust them with his money. He gives one 5 talents, another 2 talents, and the last servant he gives one talent. He leaves for a while and comes back to find that the servants who had the 5 and 2 talents invested them and multiplied them. The servant with the one talent was scared that he would lose his money and be punished by his master, so he buried it.
The master returns and he praises the first two servants for taking what he gave them and multiplying it. But the third servant he scolds and throws out into the darkness for not having multiplied his one talent.
I’ll admit this story has always seemed a little harsh to me. I mean, he didn’t lose the talent, he could’ve went and spent it, but he didn’t. Was it so bad that he was scared that he would fail his master?

But I realized today that that’s not the point.
Multiplication of one’s talent is a side effect of one’s view of the master. The first two servants knew their master, knew that they had been given a lot of trust, and they knew the weight of what their task was. The third servant didn’t understand that. He let his misunderstanding of the master cause him to dwell on all the wrong things. He was more worried about the talent than he was worried about his master desires.

— — —

God has been showing me lately that I’ve had that one passion all along. That one passion is, and always should be, Him. He has given me many talents, and has entrusted me to use them for his profit, his kingdom’s profit.
I’ve felt that weight from the very beginning. But it’s so easy to become the servant with one talent. To get caught up in what I have to offer, maybe even comparing what I’ve been given with others, hiding my small abilities because they didn’t measure up.

God’s message in the parable isn’t that some people have more than others for any particular reason, his message is that no matter what abilities he has given us we should love him enough to want to use them for his gain.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that having more than one ability is better than having just one thing you’re good at. It’s all the same. As in the parable, it is not the amount of talents that mattered at all.

At the end of the story, The master tells the third servant that he doesn’t deserve his one talent, takes it, and gives it to the first servant. Then he says: “To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.”

I’m finding everyday that if my passion lies in my talents, then I am doomed to fail. But if my passion is for my master, the talents I have are just a tool to please him.
It’s a beautiful thing to be a jack of all trades and master of none. God has richly blessed me with abilities, entrusted me to gain interest for his kingdom. To be a master of nothing isn’t a poignant matter. It means that I’m ever learning, ever growing my abilities. And the truth is, I’ll never become a master of my talents. For my talents are not mine to begin with, they’re his. I am merely holding onto them, using them well, striving to increase them for my master’s hand.

Exclusions.

I can’t sleep. All I could do was lay awake and think. So now I’m laying on my stomach, typing in the dark, hoping to make since of the last 30 minutes I’ve spent pondering over my current situation(s).

I’m just going to throw this out on the table: I feel excluded. Not from anyone’s doing or from my own doing.
But upon mulling the meaning of the word ‘excluded‘ over in my head, I’ve come to the realization that it’s God who’s excluding me. I wasn’t sure why at first. Or even if it really was God who was letting it happen. But since there are no coincidences and I know neither I or anyone I know would purposefully excluded me…it has to be a God thing.

Then I started thinking about Joseph. I’m about to finish his excerpt of a life in the bible and have been rehashing the subject of dreaming from the last time I read through his story. I spoke in my first post on here about legacies and after hearing a quote that said, “In the end, all you really own is your story.” I have to conclude that Joseph had one heck of a story. The funny thing is that soon after his “story” crossed my mind I realized… He was excluded for most of his life.

As with most seasons in my life, it never happens suddenly, it creeps up and then when I finally realize what’s going on.. BAM! New season. And this season shall be entitled: Exclusion.

I feel God has called me into exclusion right now. It’s not something I’m completely at peace with yet, but as I’m figuring it out, I’m realizing that it’s been happening for a while now…and I’m accepting it slowly.

Details: (Feel free to skip if you prefer the general side of blogs)
I just had a visit from a really good friend. She is the only person I’ve ever given the title of BFF and really meant it. We don’t have that title anymore, for various reasons, although we are still good friends. I was thinking just now about how since moving to TN I haven’t found anyone else that I can truly give the title of BFF in my life. I know it sounds stupid to say it like that, but the truth is, I’m not close to much of anyone lately, outside of my family I live with. I have plenty of friends, but none that I have a really deep relationship with. And I’m not okay with that.
I feel an exclusion from my youth group too. This is the most hurtful one. I was angry at first, I had a few people in my mind I was capable of blaming…however, once I checked my spirit, I realized that it was no one’s fault. I don’t know how to explain it, I just feel like I’m not needed anymore by the people around me.
My age group is odd because I’m no longer a teenager and not quite considered an adult…and somehow in the weird middle area… I’m living my life.
What it all boils down to is that in every aspect of myself in relationship to other people, I am excluded.

Here’s my conclusion: God is drawing me out of the comfort zone of having friends.
If I have people I can go to when I’m in a public area, or people I can rely on to be there in awkward situations, or even people I can confide in…I will get comfortable with just having those friends and never want to branch out.
Ergo, God wants me to branch out to other people. To people that aren’t in my comfort zone. And how should he do that? By removing that comfort zone.

It’s painful and it’s trying, but Joseph sure got through it. And look what happened to him! He became the ruler of the lands, directly under Pharaoh himself. And eventually, the comfort of his family came back. Eventually he was reunited to his deep relationships to other people.
I can rest in the hope that once this season of exclusion is over, I can return to the arms of a few kindred spirits…but right now it looks like I’m being pulled from a pit and sold into slavery.

Who knows though, all of this is just the conclusion of a restless brain. A flesh-ridden brain at that. I guess we’ll see how this dreaming turns out. 😉

Thanks for reading.